I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
