you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize