Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
