The maid of honor just puked.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
