She's like a pop up book from hell.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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