Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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