Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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