I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
