T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
