dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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