I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
