So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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