you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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