At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
