i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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