Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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