I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
