and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
