I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize