Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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