She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
40s are totally the cure
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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