Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
