maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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