Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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