and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
