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Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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