I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
