Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
