I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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