you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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