im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
