god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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