Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
