I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Still dying that you shit outside
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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