it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
