you guys were way drunker than both of me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
