I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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