I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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