My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
