i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
