My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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