this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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