What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
