Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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