Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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