I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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