I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
