I think I won the penis lottery.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
