why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
