Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize