my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
