Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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