i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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