I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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