Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize