My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
