i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
