You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
