Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
All I want is dick and wine.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
