I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I intend to get homeless drunk
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
