You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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