i would punch a child for taco bell
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
