I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
