seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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