i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
