It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
