I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
