Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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