drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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